As I posted last Wednesday, the cycling studio I briefly attended closed its doors 10 days ago. While the owner told me tearfully she had yet to turn a profit and that her dream was over, my mind raced to a bigger issue: what was I going to do now? Join a big-box gym? Shout “time’s up!” to my not-cleared-to-run-from-surgery knee and hit the pavement?

But the dust settled. I’ve moved on.

And as I reflect on my time on a bike, I realize I’ve learned a few things along the virtual road. They are, in no particular order:

1. Pants are preferable to shorts unless you’re sure of the prior rider’s hygiene.
2. Apparently I have no obliques because despite the instructor’s shouting encouragement to engage my core and LEAN, I move a pitiful few inches.
3. It’s not a seat—it’s a saddle.
4. Whatever it is, it has no padding. And a gel cover makes no difference.
5. Go conservative when you’re told to “gear up.” You’ll thank yourself when the instructor shouts encourages you to keep adding gear later in the ride.
6. Sit where you can see the clock.
7. Don’t mind the defibrillator on the wall—it’s probably just some requirement.
8. If the class is over and the instructor asks who wants to go another 15 minutes, don’t be proud—chances are no one knows how to use the defibrillator.
9. There is no coasting in a cycling class.
10. There are no stop signs or signals, either.
11. Plan on going directly home. You won’t even look good enough for Home Depot when you’re done.
12. If the instructor shouts encourages you to “grab a drink,” do it. Pretty soon the only thing you’ll hear is your heart pounding in your ears.
13. Bring a towel. Not a washcloth—a towel. The thirstier, the better.
14. “Almost there” means 5 different things to 5 different instructors.
15. If the instructor stops to help someone to the ground before that someone faints and hits their head on the concrete floor (true story), watch the clock yourself or that 1-minute sprint you were promised could easily go long. (See # 6.)