Life in 140 Characters Or Less

“Here: Take my debit card. Do you have some paper? A pen? Because I can write down the password for you. And there’s an ATM right around the corner.”

—Me during a run to would-be robber who wants my new Apple watch I bought for it’s GPS/pacing capabilities. Little does would-be robber know that since I bought the watch, my wrist is more valuable than my checking account.

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Me, Only Better

It’s been said we are the average of the five people we spend the most time with. For the sake of argument, I’ll pretend that’s true (though really I don’t, because I spend an awful lot of time with the Target cashier and know nothing about her). Now, if it was true, and we could choose those five people…well, now we’re talking.

Who would your five be? Here are mine, in no particular order:

Carrie Heffernan from “King of Queens.” Is she a little brash? Maybe. Sarcastic? Perhaps. But you’ve got to hand it to her—the girl speaks her mind; in that regard, she’s my alter ego. And I know for a fact she uses MAC lipstick.

 

Mother Teresa. To counteract the Carrie Heffernan qualities.

Erma Bombeck. A healthy mix of the two.

Betty Crocker. I love watching “Top Chef,” but “lemon vanilla crème with mint puree and hazelnut sable” for dessert? C’mon–give me brownies any day.

Bill Gates. Not for his philanthropic nature or even his business sense. For his technological know-how. Recently my husband told me to stop using data on my iPhone because we’d almost reached our limit. He texted this to me, which I found ironic—I thought texting was data. I rest my case. Actually maybe I don’t need to channel Bill Gates. Maybe an average fourth-grader would do.